Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
