I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
