I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
