So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
