did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
