My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
