at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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