sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
