I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
