I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
