I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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