Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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