I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
