ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
