Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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