My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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