She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just gargled with NyQuil
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
