i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
