Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize