My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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