omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How external is "for external use only"?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
