I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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