before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
