Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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