If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
