I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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