I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
These 21 FaceApped Celebrities Will Make You LOL
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
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I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.