Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound