A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues