Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
