Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
