Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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