youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
