I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
