so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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