A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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