i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
