i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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