Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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