FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
