My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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