the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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