I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
