Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
