Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
