Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
