I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
