I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
