I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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