if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
