My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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