where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
