3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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