You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
the liver wants what the liver wants
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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