I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
