Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
