My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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