Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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