why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
