i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
