when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
