Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
