There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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