I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
