they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Send help, water and tortillas.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i think i just lost a toe
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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